People-pleasers have a deeply ingrained habit of saying "yes" automatically, often without even considering the request. The fear of disappointing others—or worse, facing rejection—can be so overwhelming that they end up neglecting their own needs just to accommodate others. Ironically, in their efforts to avoid abandonment, they abandon themselves.
While many sources advocate for the simple advice of "just say no" or remind us that "no is a complete sentence," that approach can feel impossible for those who have spent years—sometimes decades—saying "yes" as a reflex. Expecting someone new to boundary-setting to start with a firm “no” is like asking a beginner to tackle advanced calculus without ever learning basic arithmetic. It’s a process, and for some, an abrupt shift can feel too daunting.
Many people-pleasers, particularly neurodivergent individuals, are acutely aware of others’ emotions and fear being perceived as rude, unkind, or inconsiderate. This anxiety often leads to saying "yes" just to escape the discomfort of saying "no," even when it results in stress or burnout. To help bridge the gap between instinctive agreement and confident boundary-setting, here are five alternative phrases that provide space and time to consider your response without the immediate pressure of commitment. Feel free to adapt them to suit your own style and situation.
5 Phrases to Buy Yourself Time
1. "I’m working on breaking the habit of saying yes too quickly. Let me think about it and get back to you."Being honest about practicing boundaries not only relieves guilt but also gives you the breathing room to make a decision without pressure. This phrase is an excellent way to ease into boundary-setting without feeling like you’re outright rejecting someone.
2. "I don’t want to overcommit, so I’ll check my schedule and let you know."It’s completely reasonable to ensure you’re not double-booking yourself before committing to another event or obligation. No one expects you to be available at all times.
3. "I need to check with [partner/family member/friend] first. Thanks for thinking of me!"If an invitation involves you and your loved ones, it’s natural to check if it aligns with their schedule. This phrase gives you time to decide while acknowledging the invitation.
4. "I have a lot on my plate right now. I’ll get back to you by the end of the day."This approach communicates that you’re busy while also setting a clear expectation of when they’ll receive a response. Just be sure to follow through with your answer.
5. "I’m not entirely sure if I can, but I’ll let you know soon."This phrase expresses consideration while allowing you to avoid committing prematurely. It prevents the need to back out later if you realize you can’t (or don’t want to) follow through.
What to Avoid When Setting Boundaries
Establishing boundaries isn’t just about learning what to say—it’s also about breaking unhelpful habits. Here are a few common pitfalls people-pleasers should steer clear of:
1. Stop apologising. One of the most ingrained habits of chronic people-pleasers is the automatic “I’m sorry!” when declining something. There’s no need to apologize for protecting your time and energy. Apologies should be reserved for actual wrongdoing—not for saying no to an invitation or prioritizing your own well-being.
2. Resist over-explaining. A simple "I can’t make it this time" is enough. There’s no need to launch into a detailed explanation about your workload, personal stressors, or babysitter troubles. Over-explaining often stems from guilt, but remember: declining a request is not a crime.
3. Don’t offer an alternative unless you actually want one.If you’re declining an event or activity that you genuinely dislike, don’t offer a backup plan just to soften the rejection. If you don’t enjoy yoga, don’t suggest rescheduling for another time—you’re only prolonging an inevitable no.
4. Don’t rush your decision if faced with pushback.Some people won’t take no for an answer right away. That’s their issue—not yours. If someone pressures you for an immediate response, hold your ground. A polite but firm, "I’ll get back to you when I know. If you need an answer now, I’ll have to decline," will set a clear boundary without unnecessary guilt.
Final Thoughts
Breaking free from people-pleasing is a journey, not a single step. If saying "no" feels too intimidating at first, use these phrases to create space for yourself while you build confidence in setting boundaries. Over time, you’ll find it easier to protect your energy without guilt or fear—and ultimately, you’ll be honouring yourself in the process.
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